One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you
are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the
mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your
rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being reeked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Any time a
girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots
your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you
were home in your bed watching Lucy re-runs. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon
of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke and haven't peed yet!!!
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might
puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only
shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits
you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the
bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits
in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt
to get the remnants
of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out
in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about
right now.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO
SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICUL
T TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing
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