All too rarely, airline attendants make an
effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane."
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa
. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy
and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into
the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand
at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can
smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight No. 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine."
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