The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the
remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most
to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old
David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3
a. m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
hiked a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers,
said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes
Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It
has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.
4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it
into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to
death. (no comment)
3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the. 22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.
D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to
explode it.""It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
off." He put it into his mouth and bit down. Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at
Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)
in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left,
a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would
have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been
filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER. (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a concert without tickets(but having
had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence. The
plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence
and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for(the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a
30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted and broken, along with his arm) by a
large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he
looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his
fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself
from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his
thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and
tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the
fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup
with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his
body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a
tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
|
|
