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From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reasons. The best submissions: Detective Novel -- female (f)., because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up. Swiss Army Knife -- male (m)., because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles. Kidneys -- f., because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. Penlight -- m., because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright. Hammer -- m., because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders. Tire -- m., because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. Hot air balloon -- m., because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part. Web page -- f., because it is always getting hit on. Web page -- m., because you have to wait for it to reload. Shoe -- m., because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. Copier -- f., because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. Magic 8 Ball -- m., because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question. Ziploc bags -- m., because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. Sponges -- f., because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. Critic -- f. What, this needs to be explained? Subway -- m., because it uses the same old lines to pick up people. Hourglass -- f., because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
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